A page from her heart.

“I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.” (Notting hill-1999)

Sometimes I am amazed at the extraordinary feeling that envelops my heart and holds it captive in a place where everything ceases to exist but you.

I never thought that at this point in life, I would be thrown headfirst in this deluge of emotions that my heart has long since given up on. What wonderful miracle are you to have given me a taste of what could have been.

I was afraid, of how strongly I felt for you. I was scared to show how lucky I was to have a glimpse of a future that was never mine. I had doubts, for how can I be so fortunate to have that wish come true-to have a person of my own.

Life is fraught with errors and misfortunes. It’s a dredged-up pretense that we continue to adapt to. You came as an anomaly and oh what wonder! that my soul recognized you even before my heart did. Seems as if the journey of a lifetime is concluding with you at its helm, with you and only you.

Life was simple, uneventful and totally in control. A cycle Of seasons, the day smoothly morphing into an endless night; it was my unencumbered reality. A comfort zone; I had settled for – no distractions- was the norm . But one look at you and my resolve got shattered. A slow chipping ensued. The company, the laughs, those eyes ;you made my knees weak. You pushed me to discover, demand and observe until I let go. I thought my journey to self-realization was over-who knew I had tucked away eons worth of love for the guiding spirit that was you. I hope:

I hope that someday

I could be what you are to me

when you find the sun a little brighter

and a bit of peace through me.

I hope that you can see

You are my new reality.

I hope your heart desires

all that Iam and hope to be.

I wish to cherish and uphold

the promises, untold

the sublime virtue

your heart, that is so true.

I want the world with you

the highs and the lows

a transcendent love

for everyone to behold.

The truth; I may not survive

this onslaught of feelings

the ardor, the passion

from which I am reeling.

The tenderness of your eyes

bewitch me every single time

I wish, earnestly!  I pray

to be near you

and never far away.

But what if one day you ask, which is more important? My life or yours? I will say mine and you will walk away not knowing that You are my life. (Khalil jibran)

Mood.

… But memory is an autumn leaf that murmurs a while in the wind and
then is heard no more. (Khalil Jibran)

It is raining. The sky is overrun by dark insidious clouds. It is a torrential downpour-gloomy to the core. Sitting behind my window, I glance at the new leaves sputtering in the wind and the stalks doing a wild dance along with them. A bird is huddled in between its wings and waits for the storm to pass. I casually sip my tea but inside I feel an altercation brewing, the same commotion that has taken over the elements outside today. My mind is swamped. Why is it so hard to stay happy forever? Why is joy a fleeting sensation? Why is bliss transitory?

Everything in life is inter-connected. The joy, fears, the tears; the people who come and make an impact, drive by and leave a trail of woes or the ones that stay beside you and make even the twilight seem magical. Understandably, they all play a part in chiseling our emotions into a frequency which might or might not disturb our endurance, will to survive or let go. We are but a slave to our own psyche and if that is a tumultuous turf then we crash and burn.

People do adapt, they learn the art to stay invisible-if they are lucky they might even fade into oblivion and never resurface to be a supposed thorn into anyone’s side. It takes a special kind of loneliness to achieve that kind of status, a loneliness that stems from years of mental expostulation and censure. Words do have a jarring quality and they do stay with us for life. Every little sigh, tête-à-tête, a colloquy, every sneer, jest or scoff cut way deep than a machete at work.

Empathy does not take much effort but it is one of the hardest concepts to master. Its either in you or corrupted by the exalted pedestal at which you have placed yourself at.  A morning hug, a budding smile, a tender look-doesn’t take much and never costs a penny except a few seconds of one’s existence. It takes, however, the greatest effort to let anyone into the deepest recesses of your being and let them linger long enough for them to cast a discerning shadow. It is just a tiny act of selflessness and the possibilities are endless. But we are fallacious beings with a self-centered narcissistic approach to life. We think and move in terms of self- interest and usually lay waste to any notion of love even if it hits us in the eye. We mourn when we lose but we leave distraught tears in our wake and we don’t care. We simply are, inconsiderate. We invalidate and decimate all notions of affinity and we call it progress for the sake of evolution.

We miss the boat. We pass up the chance to connect. We usually wreck it all.

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Adele: “Set Fire to the Rain”

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An Excerpt.

It was still hazy, a tad bit chilly but the sun rays were ready to burst through the clouds that lingered like a wisp. Stuck in a daily loop, she went out and took a stroll in her garden, gently placing her naked feet on the dew-laden freshly mowed grass. It prickled her skin and she held her head back to soak in the simplest of pleasures that nature brought her every morning. It was soothing and it calmed her senses. Ever since He took leave, she has been making it a point to come out and walk under the trees early in the morning. Her little ritual helped her, she was able to put some sense to her jumbled thoughts and prepare for the day ahead.

 
She touched the tiny bud that was encased tightly in its petals, gently coaxing it to bloom. The bird above the tree chirped loudly and she smiled at the acknowledgment. She looked around and saw the world starting to bathe in colors of the light-the yellow orange hues spreading over treetops and illuminating the vast expanse before her. A rustle nearby grabbed her attention; she looked hard trying to find the source which interrupted her reverie…and there it was! a tiny bunny looking at her wide-eyed, gauging if she was a friend or a foe.

 
She bent down to pick up the leaf that was green and supple like the promise of spring after a long lonely tiring winter. She traced its outline with the tips of her slender fingers and held it out to the bunny as a peace sign. The little animal was still skeptical but held its ground. She sat down in front of it and lulled the air around her render still. She wanted it to trust her, to take a chance like she did with Him. She wanted that connection that was borne out of love for Him. The little bunny took an uncertain step forward; maybe because it wanted to see the early riser up-close or impart a sense of comfort to the troubled soul sitting and diligently watching it from the ground. She held her breath as the tiny animal slowly started creeping towards her.

 
She smiled gently, held out her hand, a gesture of faith like when she took a leap and landed safe in His arms. She wanted the bunny to feel that it was ok to be around her- that she would care. The tiny bunny hopped a little closer, warming up to her presence and non-threatening demeanor. She held her breath, imagining the anticipation, as when she waited with bated breath to hear Him say “He loved her back”. Little by little the time crept by; she stood her ground never to leave while the bunny kept watching the human in awe. And then it jumped; a feeble, unsure hop, but filled with a promise like the one He made to her that “He would never leave and will always be her rock.”

 
She welcomed the presence of the animal beside her and while it did not make another move to sit in her lap, it gave her enough happiness to know that it did trust her with its life. And to her, it made all the difference. He cared enough to stop and trust her with His heart and now this innocent creature was right beside her even when He seemed far away.

 
When the house started to abuzz with life, she gently lifted her skirt and longingly looked towards the trees where the bunny had sauntered away a few minutes ago. She sighed audibly, placed her cold hand on her despondent heart and prayed for a glimpse of Him. When she could not; she closed her eyes and while the tears flowed freely, she felt Him in her heart- right there where He was and forever will be. She let that feeling linger for a moment and then headed inside.

 
She will be back, another morning, another ritual……

 

“Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.” 

Failproof Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe.

Recipes are never original. They usually have trickled down from generations, the only thing that make them authentically yours are the little tweaks that you add to it to make it best suited to your taste and need.
I follow this basic recipe by “Joy Food Sunshine” with some changes here and there. Those of you who know me, I do not get discouraged by baking failures and continue to the point of being absurd. Without further ado, here is the recipe followed by my tweaks which you should not miss if you do want to give this recipe a go.

 
Recipe by the lady:
Prep Time: 10 minutes
Cook Time: 8 minutes
Total Time: 30 minutes
Servings: 36 cookies
Calories: 183kcal

Ingredients:
• 1 cup salted butter* softened
• 1 cup white (granulated) sugar
• 1 cup light brown sugar packed
• 2 tsp pure vanilla extract
• 2 large eggs
• 3 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 tsp baking soda
• ½ tsp baking powder
• 1 tsp sea salt***
• 2 cups chocolate chips (or chunks, or chopped chocolate)

Instructions:
1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Line a baking pan with parchment paper and set aside.
2. In a separate bowl mix flour, baking soda, salt, baking powder. Set aside.
3. Cream together butter and sugars until combined.
4. Beat in eggs and vanilla until fluffy.
5. Mix in the dry ingredients until combined.
6. Add 12 oz package of chocolate chips and mix well.
7. Roll 2-3 TBS (depending on how large you like your cookies) of dough at a time into balls and place them evenly spaced on your prepared cookie sheets. (alternately, use a small cookie scoop to make your cookies).
8. Bake in preheated oven for approximately 8-10 minutes. Take them out when they are just BARELY starting to turn brown.
9. Let them sit on the baking pan for 2 minutes before removing to cooling rack.
———————————-
My twist on the recipe:

1- I use Unsalted Butter and melt half of it on the stove/microwave and use the other half at room temperature. That makes the cookies spread more without any outside help. Remember the warmer the batter, the more a cookie spreads but you need to control that spreading as we do not want them to turn into flattened pancakes.
2- Use more brown sugar for more chewy cookies, adjust the sugar content according to your taste. Do not omit white sugar completely as that is one of the key ingredients.
3- I use any salt I have.
4- My oven temperature ranges between 350-375 F which means slightly longer baking time. 10 minutes into the process and I stand by my oven door and keep a steady eye on the batch. Everyone’s oven varies so be careful.
5- Keep the dough spaced fairly apart on the cookie sheet-common knowledge.
6- For the love of God, always pre-heat your oven. There is no such thing as your cookie dough acclimatizing itself with the oven temperature.
7- I usually like the cookies to have a little color which does not mean that they are burned, so I let them cook a bit longer than what is prescribed above. A little brown in appearance hence my constant vigil outside the oven door.
8- These cookies usually expand in the oven but even if they don’t here is the amazing part; take them out when they look underdone and feel underdone to touch around 10- 12 minutes. Let them stay on the cookie sheet and these cookies will just sink down on their own. DONOT move them to the cookie rack right away, let them do their thing on the warm cookie sheet. They legit sink down.
9- For your viewing pleasure, the following slide show.

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Trust

Trust is no small commodity. Trust: in my opinion; is more valuable than love, more important in a relationship than commitment. Trust begets trust and without it even the simplest of pleasures won’t suffice. Its simple mathematics but heavy on nuance, for would you be with someone who you do not trust? Would you be able to share your insecurities with a random run-of-the-mill individual?

 
Humans are social animals. They thrive on companionship, compatibility, and blossom among kindred spirits. Atleast that is the lesson we learn by the time we reach our forties. We are blessed if we find our person to safeguard our emotions with. But usually we do not. We either experiment our way through adulthood into decrepitude or we settle for less than the ideal that we had longed for. That yearning for a camaraderie never really goes away but we continue with the charade because we get used to it and build a life around it. The freedom of speech or the right to live on our own terms, never really does make a play as we get too ingrained in our new reality and trust gets shoved down deep. Societal pressure does act as a derivative to carry on with the alliances that might present a pretty stable picture but underneath these are usually emotionally abhorrent.

 
Trust does not need years of partnership to develop, it’s not even an inadequacy of the soul that demands a cure. It’s not a handicap if we fail to trust, it is however an affliction of monumental proportions if we remain a vacuous entity. To not have someone to trust is nothing but a void, a chasm of hurt, a meaningless existence. It’s a silent cry of help that is usually overlooked or we throw ourselves way too deep in absurd notions of dependence on individuals that are calculating to the point of being inconsiderate. As fate would have it, we do try to make it work and we do lose ourselves along the way.

 
Life is anything but perfect. So, what if we do not know how to trust? What if we do not find the one to trust? We will not drop dead and we won’t die of a broken heart because trust isn’t love, trust is an investment that we demand from the other individual. It’s an association that strengthens the bond between two unlikely of inhabitants. It is a somber truth to live without trust, but to trust someone only to have it shattered to pieces is a sorrowful affair. To trust someone just so you can keep up the farce of a perfect life, to trust because you are afraid to be alone- this is indeed a devastating phase of one’s life.

 
Do not be too quick to trust, do not share that piece of you so casually. We lose huge, when we trust blindly and it does put us off-course. Don’t take it as a leap of faith because sometimes it is not. Your teens are for social experimenting but keep your trusting heart in a cocoon, for a stricken, battered soul is hard to console. When a lifetime of hurt catches up to you; it will be a major deterrent and then all you can do, is scream at the closed-in walls of your psyche and drown within. It will be :

“A cynicism bred from a thousand small disappointments-a bitterness- a lapse in faith.” (Unknown)

 

I Owe it to You.

A creature subservient to the chaos within her soul,
I felt bound to my invisible shackles
They dragged me down to a bottomless pit , every time.
I was afraid of the demons that clawed at me,
Marked me with their scythes
Left a bloody trail.

I wanted redemption
I wished for salvation
I demanded liberation
and I longed to be rescued
But I guess, all I needed….
I needed deliverance from my cross.

You saw me for who I was
Fearless in your pursuit,
You stepped up ,
held my hand.
You became the sound
that vibrated through me.
You were the spark that lit me up
the glow that beamed
You were the flare , the flicker
in the ember of my dying heart.

You assailed my senses
broke through
You didn’t care
But you cared enough to surround me
and let me make a home within you.

I knew you were my chance
my lucky break
An end to my apprehensions.

The journey to you was exhaustive
Replete with anguish
My flawed heart felt inadequate.
that moment in time, I sensed you,
My destitute, bereft soul felt you.

Buried in broken dreams
I did heed your call
I roused, I stirred
Up from the discouraging lull.

You brought me smiles
Sweet heartache and none the trials,
I blossomed and I lived
even though you were not mine to begin with.

But I have you here now,
Nestled in my heart,
Your essence around me,
cuddled within my arms,
You are here now.

No Yeast Pizza Dough

NO YEAST ! Say no more:

Presenting a “No-Yeast Pizza Recipe” that tastes way better than it sounds. Doesn’t rise as much but it’s equally soft and delicious. Give it a go.

Special shout-out to a dear friend who lives and breathes Pizza. 

{Makes a 12/14 inch Pie}
• 4 cups All purpose flour
• 2 tbsp. powdered milk (optional)
• 1 tsp. salt
• 4 tbsp. oil
• 1 egg
• 1 tbsp. garlic powder
• 2 tbsp. baking powder
• Warm water

Mix everything together, knead for 5-7 minutes. It might still be a little sticky. Cover with a moist cloth and let it sit for 3-4 hours in a warm place. The dough will not rise as much in the absence of yeast but it will turn out to be an equally amazing alternative.

Use a rolling pin to shape it in the form of a circle and place it on the pizza pan. Use pizza sauce and any topping/cheese of your liking. Bake at 350 F for 25-30 minutes until the crust is golden brown and the cheese bubbly.